[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

EILEEN: [cheerful] Hey guys, it's Eileen. I'm safe and sound back home, and I just wanted to say thank you again for letting me crash with you for a while.

I miss you all a little bit already, but I have to admit, it's nice to sleep in my own bed again.

I'll be back again to see you soon, probably next week. I'm looking forward to learning more about tea from Helen.

[Sincerely] And... thanks, guys. While I wish it was under better circumstances, I'm really glad I met you all.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey Kane. I hope you're sleeping soundly.

I've been popping upstairs to check on you every hour or so, and... you SEEM to be okay, but...

I'm worried about you. I feel like your panic attacks have increased in frequency since... well. You know. Magically forcing a lot of fear and anger into a bunch of bigoted people's brains.

Which... I wish you didn't have to carry that. I know it weighs on you.

Sometimes I see you stop focusing and just... zone out for a bit, and... then when you come back you frown and take a deep breath and it's pretty clear you're wrestling with something... Painful.

I wish I could go back in time and take that bullet for you. I wish I could do more than just soothe you.

I love you, my sweet boyfriend. My gentle and kind boyfriend. I'll do whatever you need me to do to help you carry this weight, okay? Anything you need. If I can do it I will.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. Things are good downstairs this morning. Everyone is cheerful and it's a really nice day outside.

I did end up sleeping pretty well actually. No waking up in a panic, which was nice.

Speaking of which... Jason? Soothing me is no small thing.

I don't think I'd be handling this well-- or, you know, AT ALL-- if you weren't here to soothe me.

Because... you're right. Sometimes I fall into this hole inside me, where I start wondering if it was really acceptable to do what I did. Wondering what those people are doing now, and if they've been permanently hurt by it?

99% of the time? I still don't regret it. It was self defense. I was protecting you, and me, and all of our people.

But that last 1%? That's... hard. That last 1% is when I start questioning if self defense is ever really an acceptable reason. And that's... I don't know, Jason. During that 1% of the time, I don't know.

So... yeah. Soothing me is no small thing. I'm honestly not sure that I'd be able to function without your support right now. Or, even if I could, I'd probably be a huge mess.

Which... I guess I am still a bit of a mess right now, but... trust me, nothing compared to what I'd be without you.

I love you. Thank you for looking after me.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, can you wake me up early tomorrow? I need to go shopping for something for Pat's birthday. I have no fucking idea what to get them, so, like, please feel free to make suggestions when you rip the blankets off me.

Well... maybe don't make the suggestions RIGHT at that moment. Maybe give me a few minutes to be a person again first, rather than just a manifestation of sleep.

So, yeah: blankets, return to human form, then gift suggestions.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [brightly] Good morning! I'm very much looking forward to getting to rudely awaken you! By your own request, even! Such a rare pleasure!

It is such a wonderful opportunity, I'm actually going to give you the gift of getting to relive it later! That's right! I'm going to do it right now, while I'm on the phone!

[Door opens]

Into the room we go... aww, look at you! You're so cute! A cute, sleep angel! [louder] Time to wake up, sleepy angel! Wakey wakey! You have birthday shopping to do!

JASON: [groans]

KANE: C'mon handsome! Time to get up and at 'em! Upsey daisy!

JASON: [grumbles louder]

KANE: No time for grumbling! C'mon! Let me help you with that blanket...

JASON: [whines loudly]

KANE: [laughs] C'mon sleep monster. Time to return to human form. You've gotta go shopping. Are you ready for suggestions yet?

JASON: [groans sleepily]

KANE: Well, you better get ready! C'mon! Get lively! Get excited!!

JASON: [grumpy and sleepy] Why are you like this?

KANE: Because you asked me to be! Also because I love you! Also because Pat deserves a nice birthday present! Are you ready for those suggestions yet?

JASON: [whiny grumble]

KANE: [laughs] I'm going to take that as a yes.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: SHOPPING CENTRE AMBIENCE]

JASON: Oh my god, why did I think Chadstone was a good idea, Kane? I've been here for an hour and I want to DIE.

Ugh. Anyway. I was actually calling to ask you something before I forget. Can you write down a cake recipe for me? I know you offered to make Pat's birthday cake yourself, and I appreciate that, but I also kind of want to try and do it myself.

Mostly to prove I can, because Pat sent me a VERY snarky text about my cooking skills, and I need to defend my honour and prove them wrong.

I mean, I definitely have garbage cooking skills, but I figure if YOU write me the instructions, then maybe I can successfully make something edible. And it's not cheating, because it's just using a recipe!

Wait, that IS not cheating, right? No, of course it's not cheating, that'd be ridiculous. It'd only be cheating if you helped me do the actual baking.

ANYWAY. Please write me a cake recipe. Maybe that carrot cake you made last month? Pat really liked that one.

Ugh, okay, I should get back to shopping. Why did I do this to myself? Next year, remind me to just shop online a month beforehand like a normal person!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [amused] Cake recipe written down and waiting for you on the fridge in the kitchen for whenever you get to it.

I have to say, I'm pretty excited to find out what a Jason-made cake is like, considering I don't think you've made a cake in like... the entire time I've known you.

I hope Chadstone isn't wearing you down too much. See you when you get home.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [sighs] Well, it's nearly five in the morning, but the cake is done!! I did everything JUST like your recipe said, and it LOOKS great, so I'm pretty sure it's going to taste great too. So Pat can suck it!

Love you! See you in a few hours!!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Morning honey, just wanted to say congratulations on your cake, it does indeed look great. I'm sure Pat will love it.

All's good downstairs this morning. I'll see you when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: LISTEN. I love you, but I have to speak in my defence!

I JUST checked our pantry, and YOU stored the salt and the sugar in the EXACT SAME TYPE OF CONTAINER, and the labels are SO WORN DOWN that I didn't even SEE THEM.

So I am NOT fully to blame for what happened to that cake. YOU SHARE EQUAL BLAME IN THIS. The dry retching of many birthday party guests rests on BOTH our shoulders!!!

[Hangup]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Eileen is voiced by Abigail Michell. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Tina Dearing for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.