[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: Hey Kane. I'll talk to you and Jason about this when I see you on Wednesday, but I just wanted to drop you a line now before I forget.

Michael's been having a lot of trouble finding any kind of job. Most places won't hire him because they're racist arseholes, and non-racist arseholes seem to all be homophobic arseholes instead.

I was thinking of maybe seeing if I could get a second job, and maybe Michael could take some of my shifts at the bar? I mean, he already knows how it all works, and everyone already knows him, so... I think it could work pretty well.

We'll talk about this in person, but, uh, yeah... I just wanted to raise the idea.

[Pickup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Nervous] Hey, Ricardo, it's CJ. Um... Uh. I-I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed talking with you at the party the other night, especially bonding over asexuality stuff, and uh.... I-I'd like to hang out with you again sometime, if you'd be into that?

Uh, to be clear, I'd like to hang out with you anyway, but... I'm kind of specifically asking this in a date kind of way.

So... let me know if you're interested. If not, no worries, and I'd still like to hang out platonically sometime if you're up for that.

[Pickup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe, when you wake up tomorrow, can you talk to Ricardo? CJ asked him out, and he's interested, but... he's feeling like he shouldn't date anyone because of his PTSD.

He seems to think that he'd be bad to date, or hard to date, or something like that. And it's not like he's not interested, he's just... worried that he's not good enough, or that his PTSD will get in the way or ruin it or something.

I remember you had some similar feelings about your anxiety when we first started going out together, so... I thought maybe you could help him get through it?

I already told him that if someone likes him then it doesn't matter if he has problems or not, because like... I've been with you for over two years now and your anxiety isn't a problem for me at all. I mean... I hate it when it's a problem for you, because I love you and I don't want you to be hurting, but it's not like... it's not a problem for me, you know?

But... yeah. I think he's feeling a bit broken and... I don't want him to feel that way. I don't think of him that way, and I'm sure CJ doesn't either. But I know that hearing it from me... I mean I can only come at it from this side of the situation, you know? But I thought maybe you could help him out from his side of the situation.

[Sigh] Have I told you recently that I love you? I'm so glad you're my boyfriend.

And, hey, I don't think I've ever actually said this before, so... I'm really grateful that you trust me, and that you risk being vulnerable with me. I know it's hard, and your anxiety is like, always telling you to keep me out, you know? And I'm just... I'm so happy, and so grateful that you push through that. You mean so much to me, and... I just... I love you. I love you so much. Anxiety and all.

[Pickup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: Hey Jason, it's Ricardo. Again. I... I hope you don't mind me filling up your voicemail inbox again. I figured... it kind of helped, last time, to talk this way, so... maybe it will this time, too.

I'm still feeling unsure about CJ. I know we already talked about this, but... I don't know. I'm still struggling with it.

I feel like I'm barely holding myself together at any given point. How is it fair to ask anyone else to get entangled this mess called Ricardo?

How can I even think about dating, when going outside at all makes me feel stressed and jittery? That's not going to make for a very good date, if I'm sitting across a table from them and I keep tensing up every time a server comes to take my order. Or what we're walking somewhere, and I hear some people yelling, and I freak out? How are they supposed to put up with that?

I don't know, Jason. I can't expect them to put up with my bullshit, can I? [SIGHS] I don't know why I'm asking that, considering you already made your position on that extremely clear. And I don't mean to make it sound like you and Kane don't exist.

I know, intellectually, that you're right, and people can have patience, and people can go slowly and be okay with it... I mean... like I said, I don't mean to make it sound like you and Kane don't handle this sort of thing. But not everyone is like you two.

I can barely put up with me, right now. How can I expect anyone else to?

[Sigh] Well. This didn't help me feel clearer or more sure about this sort of thing. But it is still nice to scream into the void, as it were.

Thanks for listening, Jason. And ah... sorry for calling you a void. You're much warmer and brighter than that.

[Pickup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Firmly but nervously] You know what? You're right. I like them too, and... I don't know if I'm going to get any better, so... I shouldn't put off waiting for something I don't know will happen.

I... yeah. I'm going to try. And I'm... leaving this voicemail for you instead of them, because I'm... look, bravery has to come in little steps, right? I'll... I'll send them a text tomorrow.

[Sigh] No, no. I should send it now, before I go to sleep. Otherwise I might chicken out.

Yeah. Okay. I'll text them now. Wish me luck!

[Hangup]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to William Davies for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

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[Music fades out]