[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MIRA: Hey Helen, it's me. Everyone's asleep right now, even Jason.

I was sitting on the lounge, thinking about trying to convince Kane to let us put up fairy lights again, and I was just... overcome with happiness. I know that sounds really corny, but... I was just sitting there, and thinking about the bar, and Kane and Jason, and you, and Storm, and...

I just... god. When did my life get this amazing? How did I get here? And... if this is what life is like now... what's it going to be like later?

I mean... after Sarah and I broke up? I thought that was... it. I was going to be miserable forever. Or at the very least, I'd be alone forever.

[Happy] But I'm not either of those things.

I feel so... lucky. I feel like... I mean, I have a really cool girlfriend, and a best friend I love so much, and... I get to live with people who feel like family, and... every day is fun, here. Even the slow days. Even the sad days are... fine. Because we're all here.

I feel really, really lucky to be here, and... I feel really, really lucky to have you as my closest friend. Thank you so much for being my friend. I love you so much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: Oh, hey, actually... before I go to bed, there's something else I wanted to say.

[Awkwardly] This is... my first polyam relationship. And... I know that I'll probably fuck up somewhere. But I... feel really safe, knowing that Storm's other partner is you. I feel like... when I do fuck up, it'll be okay. We'll be able to figure it out somehow.

That kind of certainty? Feeling like it'll be okay, even if I fuck up? I've never... had that before. Not in a romantic relationship.

I feel that way about life sometimes, like... I feel like Kane and Jason will always be here for me, but... dating is a whole different thing, and... it's always kind of scary, even when it's good.

So... it's really impressive that I don't feel scared about this.

So I guess... thank you for being my metamor. Because you're really good at that, too.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey, Mira, I think we just missed each other. I woke up stupidly early, and got up before anyone else did. Even Kane.

[Sincerely] I know what you mean. About... all of that, actually. I sometimes worry that our friendship is too intense, like... I'm going to break it, somehow. But... you make it easy to forget how anxious I am about that. When we're actually together, I... almost never worry about it. Which, for me, is... kind of a big deal.

Like, for comparison? I'm always worried Storm is going to get tired of me. Or that Ricardo is actually annoyed by me chatting with him late at night. Or that Tom and Brandon secretly hate me, or that Victor thinks I'm annoying, or that Michael thinks I'm pathetic, or that I scare away customers... [Sigh] The list goes on.

So, you know, I do worry about us, too. But I worry about it... less. That's... pretty big, for me. The only other people I don't worry as much about are Kane and Jason, and... believe me, it's taken pretty much the whole time I've known them to start really believing them when they tell me that they care about me.

But now I do believe them. And... I believe you. I still worry... I mean, I always worry. But I'm not scared. Does that make sense? I'm anxious, but... I'm not scared.

I'm glad you're my metamor too. But I'm even more glad that you're my friend.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

HELEN: Hey, Jason? It's Helen. Mira and I were... exchanging voicemails, because apparently your voicemail habits are contagious, and... I just realized something.

[Sincerely] I know... I know what happened with your parents upset you. And I think... part of the reason for that is that... family is supposed to stand by you no matter what, right? You're supposed to feel safe with your family. And I never did with mine, so... I understand why that hurts.

Anyway. I realized... I feel like that here.

I know I've already said this to you and Kane in various ways ever since I came here, but... I think it only just sank in for me. I knew that I love you guys, I knew that I love this bar, I knew that I love the people here and care about them, and I know that they care about me too. I love this community, and... it loves me too.

But I never really realized that... I feel safe here. Not just welcome, not just cared about, but really, truly, safe.

I've felt safe here ever since that night when I first burst into tears about you guys letting me stay and you just... reassured me. Kane touched my arm, and you touched my shoulder, and you were both so gentle, and you didn't overwhelm me with words or promises... you were just there for me, and it was so.... pure, and real.

I believed you. I felt accepted, and not just like... not just accepted, but embraced.

I'm not... afraid, any more. I'm not afraid of being alone, or being kicked out, or anything like that. Not any more. I feel safe with you.

I feel like... I know that you'd stand by me, no matter what. Like family is supposed to.

Thank you. Thank you for being my family.

[Hangup]

[Cassette Noise]

JULIE: [Thoughtfully] Hey baby. Another... really strange thing happened, this week.

I was bathing one of my friends, and he was in a lot of pain. And I just wanted to comfort him, so I placed my hand on his forehead and told him that I was so sorry he was hurting, and it was okay, just relax.

And... [Scoff] oh, god, this is going to sound so unbelievable. But... suddenly I felt like I could feel inside him. Beneath his skin. Between his muscles. As deep as his bones. And I could feel the virus, and all the infections inside him, hurting him.

And I got... I got so angry, baby. I got so angry at this thing in my friend that was making him hurt so much. And I felt like I was... pulsing that anger, all through my body.

But... anger isn't what you need to have, in those moments. Anger is for later. Anger is for the doctors and nurses who refuse treatment. Anger is for the government not doing enough to help.

So I took a deep breath, and I let the anger go. And as I focused on my friend... I felt all my care and compassion towards him run cold through my body, instead. Not... not freezing cold. Gentle cold. Like the water in the bay on a warm day.

I... let that cold flow into him, through my hand on his forehead. And... he sighed, the kind of sigh that only people in tremendous pain can make, that they do when the waves of pain lessen for a moment.

And then he went to sleep. Just like that. For the first time in hours and hours and hours.

I need to know... if that was me. If I did that. If I can do it again.

If I can do this again, if I can do more of it... I could help so many of these people. I could soothe so much pain.

I need to... I need to figure this out. I guess... I guess I'll just try again, next time I'm in the right position to do so.

[Click]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Helen is voiced by Ashe Connor. Julie is voiced by Nic Rummery. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]