Episode 57 - Checking In With Sarah

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MICHAEL: Hi Kane, it's Michael. I have some really nice cuttings that I've put into small pots that I could bring to the Best of Luck, if you'd like them? They are already pretty stable and don't need much watering, so they won't be hard to look after. I thought they'd look lovely on the tables, or something like that. So... let me know if you'd like them.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Tired, happy] Hey honey. Bedtime voicemail as requested.

Today was really good. Nothing in particular, just... overall, really nice.

Lots of customers, but not too many to feel overwhelming. All our boarders hanging out together and talking and playing board games to help Mira keep her mind occupied. You and Victor snapping each other with tea towels. [Laughs] He's better at it than you are, by the way. Sorry. I love you, but Victor is just clearly the superior towel snapper.

[Sigh] It's nice to have Mira back. [Flustered] Wait, I don't mean--fuck, you know. I don't mean it in that way. I wish it wasn't... I wish she wasn't hurting. I wish a breakup wasn't what made it happen. I'm not happy that she's been hurt or that she needs us, you know? I just mean... I just mean that I love that kid, and I like having her around.

I... should probably not call her a kid. That's probably like... super condescending. She's what, twenty one? She's not exactly a newborn.

She seems to be doing a lot better today, at least. I know it's going to take a while for her to really recover from this, but... I think she'll get through it okay. She's handling it really well, you know? Like... yeah, she's crying a lot, but like... that's kind of what I mean. She's letting herself feel devastated, she's not trying to push it away or not deal with it, and she's not getting angry or self destructive. Honestly, she's handling this really, really well, even if she doesn't feel like she is.

[Sigh] I hope Sarah is doing okay, too.

I texted her yesterday but didn't hear back. Maybe I should give her a call? I just... I don't want her to think that we're not here for her too, if she needs us.

Yeah, I think I'll give her a quick call before I go to sleep.

I love you. See you tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey Sarah, it's Kane, from the Best of Luck Bar. Just checking in. Jason and I just want you to know that we love you and if you need anything to just give us a call, okay? I know you're probably hurting a lot and not feeling up to much right now, so... don't worry about returning this call if it stresses you out, okay? Just... know that we're here for you too, if you need us.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. Bar's closed up and everyone's gone to bed. I'm about to do the same.

Good news though, Sarah returned your call not too long after you went to bed. She tried calling your phone first, but when you didn't pick up she called me instead.

She's doing as well as can be expected, just like Mira. We talked for a little while.

She was really glad to get your message. She figured we'd be taking sides or something, and that she wouldn't be welcome here, and that the first text was just kindof a politeness thing, you know? But I reassured her that's not the case. Told her again that we care about her and if she needs anything, she can call us and we'll figure something out.

So you can rest a bit easier. Sarah knows we still love her.

And... yeah. I know what you mean about it being nice to have Mira around again, even if the circumstances for that really suck. She was one of our first boarders. Before we remodelled, before the whole thing with the posters started... [Chuckle] wow, it feels like she's been a part of our lives for a really long time, huh? Even though it's only been... what, a bit over a year?

Man, who even knows. Keeping track of time is hard, fuck that.

[YAWNS] Man, sleep can't come soon enough. See you tomorrow Kane. I love you so much.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Although, how dare you. I am clearly the better towel snapper between Victor and I!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey, Michael just brought in those cuttings he was telling us about. They're so cute, they're like little baby trees! I've put them around on some tables like Michael suggested, and it's got me thinking about maybe getting some more plants at some point. How do you feel about that “hanging plants above the bar” hipster sort of look? I feel like it has some potential, to be honest.

Also, I apologise. You are clearly the best towel snapper.

At least while Victor is out of earshot.

[Hangup]

[Music]

ROSLYN

Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Michael is voiced by Oscar Sabogal. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Abigail Michelle for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 56 - Mira's Return

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Crying] Hi, it's Mira. I... We broke up. Sarah and I broke up. I'm so... I don't know what to do, Papa Bear. I don't know what to do. Can I-- Can I please come back to stay at the bar again? Please? I don't... I don't know what else to do.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Tired] Hey babe. Everyone's asleep and I've just closed up the bar.

Mira took a lot of convincing to actually try sleeping, but Helen... somehow managed to get through to her. Asked her real gently, "Please look after my friend Mira", and that... well, first it made Mira cry some more, but then she nodded and agreed to try.

Might have to remember that phrasing. Might help some things later on, not just with Mira. Admittedly it might have just been because Helen was the one who said it. She really does have some kind of calming way about her.

Speaking of calm, I've tried to send some soothing sleepy vibes upstairs over the past little while and... I think Mira's asleep now. I mean, I'm not 100% sure, but... I did duck upstairs to see how you were sleeping a little while ago, and I couldn't hear any more crying coming from her room so... hopefully that means she's sleeping.

[Sigh] Poor kid. Breaking up with your first love is so devastating.

I remember mine - he was this sweet boy named Cameron. We were... I think nineteen? So... yeah, not that much younger than Mira, I guess.

Ah, we were so bad for each other. Not like, toxic bad. Just... not compatible, at all. He wanted to do the serious boyfriend thing, and settle down together and all that, and I... was not up for that. So... yeah. Kinda the same thing that broke up Sarah and Mira, from what little she was able to tell us today.

I still gotta put chairs up before I can come to bed. [Sigh] Might leave you another message after I've done that. Love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Tired] Hey. All done downstairs now. Just outside for some fresh air before I come to bed.

[Sigh] Man, I've been thinking about Cameron since I left you that last message. I wonder what he's up to these days? I wonder if he found someone to settle down with? I haven't really heard anything about him since we broke up.

We probably stayed together longer than we should have, really. But you don't think about that when you're young and in love. You want to believe you'll get through anything. Love conquers all, and all that.

It doesn't, though. A lot of things conquer love, turns out. Compatibility. History. Circumstances. Stupidity.

I did love him, though. I don't think he thought that I did. I think he thought that I was there for the sex and nothing else. And I mean, I was definitely distant to him in a lot of ways. I didn't exactly have a healthy relationship with my own emotions, you know?

I didn't love him deeply like how I love you. You're... you're different from everyone else I've ever loved. It feels... way more intense with you. But way more casual and comfortable, too. I feel like I can be myself with you. All aspects of myself, not just any particular side of me.

But I did love him. In my own way. It still hurt a lot when we broke up. I got... very, very wasted, on many, many different substances for a good long while after that breakup.

But... [Sigh] I came good. And I'm sure Mira will too. I'm glad we can be here for her.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Sweetly] Hey. I like it when you get introspective in the wee hours. I really like waking up to long voicemails from you. It gives me a really nice start to the day.

Mira's not up yet, which is a good sign, I think. Hopefully she's still sleeping soundly.

No one's up yet, actually. It's just me and the coffee machine.

[Sigh] Yeah. First loves are hard. Mine was a girl named Erika. We were... like the token queer kids at school, so... it was kind of natural for us to date, I think. I was... I think I was fifteen, when we got together? We were together for nearly two years, actually. I think everyone was expecting us to stay together for good, or at least like.... a really long time.

But, yeah, well. She fell in love with someone else, so... that was the end of it for us. It was... as good of a breakup as a couple of teenagers can have, I think. We were trying really hard not to hurt each other over it.

Foolishly, we tried to stay friends even though we were hurting far too much to be friends. And that... went a little worse than the breakup itself, sadly. We stopped speaking to each other only a couple of weeks later.

Hey, this might seem out of nowhere, but... talking about past loves... well, you know, some of mine are women. And... I've caught a lot of shit from people over the years for being bi, but you've never done that to me.

I just want you to know that I really, really appreciate that. Like... I know it might seem like nothing to you, but... trust me. I notice the absence of shittiness on this issue. And I appreciate it a lot.

Thank you. For being you. I love everything about you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Tired, Fragile] Hey Papa Bear. Ricardo said that when he's having a bad night, he leaves messages for Jason, and that it can be helpful, so... I thought... maybe I'd try that too.

Only I'm leaving a message for you and not Jason. I hope that's okay. You just... I don't know. You're really gentle and soft, and... I guess I just need that right now. [Quietly] I don't know.

I feel like the whole world is falling to pieces around me. I know it's not, but... that's how it feels. I keep looking at people who are okay and feeling like... "How can you be okay? Can't you see the world is ending?"

[Laugh] God, listen to me. I'm so dramatic. I'm sorry. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to keep it together and move on, but I just... [sniff] I just... [Tearing up] I loved her, and I miss her so much already, and I just... [Crying] I didn't expect things to go this way.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MIRA: [Still upset, but trying] Hey. Me again.

Sorry. I thought... I thought I could talk about this without crying, but... I guess I'm not there yet.

[Deep breath]

[Sad] It was kids, you know. The straw that broke the camel's back. She wants to have kids someday, ideally sooner rather than later, and I... I just don't. I don't think I even want kids at all.

And... there was other stuff. Like I said, this was just the final straw. We just... wanted different things. Like... I wanted to experiment with open relationships. We're young, you know? I don't want to get older and feel like I missed out on something because I was monogamous from the beginning. I don't even know if I want to be monogamous in the long run. But... if I do, I don't want to regret it, you know?

[Voice catches] I... I thought we were going to try all that stuff out together, though. I didn't think... I didn't think it was something that was going to break us up.

I know... [Sigh] I know that this is for the best. We... we couldn't have been happy in the long run. Not like this. No matter which way we went, one of us would have been miserable. And I know that, I just...

I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

[Deep breath] You know, I do actually feel a little better.

Thanks for listening, Papa Bear. See you in the morning.

[Hangup]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Mira is voiced by Tahlia Celenn. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Our Kink for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 55 - Ricardo and CJ

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: Hey Kane. I'll talk to you and Jason about this when I see you on Wednesday, but I just wanted to drop you a line now before I forget.

Michael's been having a lot of trouble finding any kind of job. Most places won't hire him because they're racist arseholes, and non-racist arseholes seem to all be homophobic arseholes instead.

I was thinking of maybe seeing if I could get a second job, and maybe Michael could take some of my shifts at the bar? I mean, he already knows how it all works, and everyone already knows him, so... I think it could work pretty well.

We'll talk about this in person, but, uh, yeah... I just wanted to raise the idea.

[Pickup]

[Beep]

CJ: [Nervous] Hey, Ricardo, it's CJ. Um... Uh. I-I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed talking with you at the party the other night, especially bonding over asexuality stuff, and uh.... I-I'd like to hang out with you again sometime, if you'd be into that?

Uh, to be clear, I'd like to hang out with you anyway, but... I'm kind of specifically asking this in a date kind of way.

So... let me know if you're interested. If not, no worries, and I'd still like to hang out platonically sometime if you're up for that.

[Pickup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe, when you wake up tomorrow, can you talk to Ricardo? CJ asked him out, and he's interested, but... he's feeling like he shouldn't date anyone because of his PTSD.

He seems to think that he'd be bad to date, or hard to date, or something like that. And it's not like he's not interested, he's just... worried that he's not good enough, or that his PTSD will get in the way or ruin it or something.

I remember you had some similar feelings about your anxiety when we first started going out together, so... I thought maybe you could help him get through it?

I already told him that if someone likes him then it doesn't matter if he has problems or not, because like... I've been with you for over two years now and your anxiety isn't a problem for me at all. I mean... I hate it when it's a problem for you, because I love you and I don't want you to be hurting, but it's not like... it's not a problem for me, you know?

But... yeah. I think he's feeling a bit broken and... I don't want him to feel that way. I don't think of him that way, and I'm sure CJ doesn't either. But I know that hearing it from me... I mean I can only come at it from this side of the situation, you know? But I thought maybe you could help him out from his side of the situation.

[Sigh] Have I told you recently that I love you? I'm so glad you're my boyfriend.

And, hey, I don't think I've ever actually said this before, so... I'm really grateful that you trust me, and that you risk being vulnerable with me. I know it's hard, and your anxiety is like, always telling you to keep me out, you know? And I'm just... I'm so happy, and so grateful that you push through that. You mean so much to me, and... I just... I love you. I love you so much. Anxiety and all.

[Pickup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: Hey Jason, it's Ricardo. Again. I... I hope you don't mind me filling up your voicemail inbox again. I figured... it kind of helped, last time, to talk this way, so... maybe it will this time, too.

I'm still feeling unsure about CJ. I know we already talked about this, but... I don't know. I'm still struggling with it.

I feel like I'm barely holding myself together at any given point. How is it fair to ask anyone else to get entangled this mess called Ricardo?

How can I even think about dating, when going outside at all makes me feel stressed and jittery? That's not going to make for a very good date, if I'm sitting across a table from them and I keep tensing up every time a server comes to take my order. Or what we're walking somewhere, and I hear some people yelling, and I freak out? How are they supposed to put up with that?

I don't know, Jason. I can't expect them to put up with my bullshit, can I? [SIGHS] I don't know why I'm asking that, considering you already made your position on that extremely clear. And I don't mean to make it sound like you and Kane don't exist.

I know, intellectually, that you're right, and people can have patience, and people can go slowly and be okay with it... I mean... like I said, I don't mean to make it sound like you and Kane don't handle this sort of thing. But not everyone is like you two.

I can barely put up with me, right now. How can I expect anyone else to?

[Sigh] Well. This didn't help me feel clearer or more sure about this sort of thing. But it is still nice to scream into the void, as it were.

Thanks for listening, Jason. And ah... sorry for calling you a void. You're much warmer and brighter than that.

[Pickup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Firmly but nervously] You know what? You're right. I like them too, and... I don't know if I'm going to get any better, so... I shouldn't put off waiting for something I don't know will happen.

I... yeah. I'm going to try. And I'm... leaving this voicemail for you instead of them, because I'm... look, bravery has to come in little steps, right? I'll... I'll send them a text tomorrow.

[Sigh] No, no. I should send it now, before I go to sleep. Otherwise I might chicken out.

Yeah. Okay. I'll text them now. Wish me luck!

[Hangup]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. CJ is voiced by Jai Moore. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to William Davies for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

[Music fades out]

Episode 54 - Victor and Michael's Housewarming

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe, just a reminder that Josh and Hannah won't be around until eight tomorrow night, so don't do that thing where you get ready to go at like six o'clock and then just vibrate anxiously for two hours, okay? I will remind you of this again in person when I see you tomorrow.

Love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: I feel like I should be offended that you think I need reminding of how time works, but then I realized that if you left me to my own devices, I would 100% do exactly what you told me not to do. So... humph! How dare you know me so well!

Things are good downstairs today. Tom is excited for the housewarming party - apparently he doesn't get invited to many parties that, y'know, are actually wheelchair accessible. I mean, not that it sounds like Victor and Michael's new place is great for that, but it is at least all on one floor with only a tiny lip at the entrance to the building. So... near enough is good enough, at least when it comes to getting trashed with friends, anyway.

Speaking of which... I'm kind of excited. I literally do not remember the last time I got drunk. It was probably like... back in the first couple of months of dating you, I think? Which feels like FOREVER ago now.

And yes, before you come galloping downstairs and bellowing that I need to leave you a drunk voicemail tonight, yes, I promise I will. Or at least I promise I will try, because there is a good chance that I will forget.

I love you. See you when you get up!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: House party background noise]

KANE: [Drunk] Okay! I said okay! I'm doing it!

JASON: [Drunk] Are you sure?? Did you dial the right contact??

KANE: YES! Look, it's your face! Your face is on the phone! [LAUGHS] I like your face!

JASON: I like YOUR face!

KANE: I like YOUR face!

JASON: I like YOU!

KANE: I like YOU!!! I LOVE you!

JASON: I love you too! Are you crying?

KANE: NO! My face is just wet because I love you!

JASON [Laughing] Aww, baby...

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: House party noise in background]

VICTOR: [Drunk] Hey future Jason! This is past Jason!

JASON: Hey! You're not past Jason! I am!

VICTOR: [Laughing]

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: Muffled house party noise in background]

KANE: [Quietly drunk] Hey... I'm hiding in the bathroom. Just for a few minutes. It's really, really loud out there, and apparently I am not used to being drunk in loud places any more. Or... being drunk at all any more, really...

I feel dizzy...

I kind of remember WHY I don't get drunk anymore... aside from the whole... never having alcohol near me... thing. It's kind of terrible! I feel like I'm too loud and too big and too clumsy!

[Whisper-ish] Oh, hey, do we know CJ? Everyone's acting like we know them but I don't recognize them at all, and I feel like a huge dickhead. Do we know them? Fuck.

[Deep breath] Anyway. You always leave me cute or funny drunk voicemails so... this is me trying, okay? I'm... uh... very drunk. [Laughs] Oh, shit... I have to get up early and work in the morning, too. Fuck.

Uhhh... I love you. And... apologies in advance if I throw up in our bed tonight. And... sorry this isn't a very good drunk voicemail. I love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Drunk, quiet] Hey my lightweight sweetheart. We got home a few minutes ago and you are OUT like a LIGHT. [Chuckles]

Thank you for your drunk voicemail. It was very coherent and super cute, just like you.

I hope you don't wake up with too much of a hangover tomorrow. But if you do... eat some food, drink some water, have a berocca and some panadol. Then like... I don't know, wait for me to get up so I can scoop out your hangover, okay?

Huh. Wow. It's been... a long time since hangover hoovering was part of our agenda, huh? And never in this direction! I'm normally the hungover one.

[Exhale] God. So much has changed since that first hangover scoop. You know... that's kind of cool. Like... we were just saying the other day how we feel like we don't know anything about our magic, but like... compared to when it first started happening? We kind of know a lot about it now. Not like... not like a lot in general. Just like... a lot compared to what we used to know.

Heh. We've come a long way I guess. Even if it doesn't feel like that, sometimes.

I'm starting to think that's what life is, though. Feeling like you're not getting anywhere, but then looking back and going "holy shit, I've come a long way".

I love you. You're so wonderful.

I'm gonna go to sleep now too, okay? I'll see you in hangover hell tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [Drunk] Oh, and by the way, yes, we do know CJ. We just used to know them as Cindy. You remember, the host of the radio show we went on back when we first opened the bar? Yeah! That's CJ. New name, new pronouns, same bubbly personality. Love you!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Tired, drunk] Hey Jason, it's Victor. Thanks for coming tonight. I know you guys had to find some other people to handle the bar, and I can't imagine that was easy on Papa Bear's nerves.

I hope you got him home and safely into bed okay. He did NOT look like he was feeling super great when you left. I'm guessing he's not great at holding his liquor much these days.

[Yawn] Pretty much everyone has left, except for Ricardo and CJ. They're crashing on our floor tonight, I think.

I really like this apartment. It feels good.

Michael was saying he wants to get some plants. Um, Not just for the balcony but like, inside as well. I like plants, I think. I've never really had plants. But they're nice, right?

I warned him I've never had plants before, so he'll have to show me how to not kill them, and he said that was fine and he'd teach me. So I'm gonna learn about gardening! So yeah. That's a new adventure. [Yawn]

I'm gonna pass out now. Thanks for being my friend, Jason. And thank Kane again for me, for helping with the application, yeah? I don't know if I'd be here right now if he hadn't helped. He's a really good guy. You both are.

[Hangup]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Charlie Lang for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

Episode 53 - The Aftermath

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. Just closed up. God, it was busy tonight. Couple of big groups came in not long after you went to bed, which kept me pretty damn occupied till closing.

Between helping the boys move today and Victor not being here to absorb some of the work tonight, I am completely knackered.

[Sigh] Looking forward to cuddling up to you in a few minutes. Love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey, so. When you wake up and check your phone, you will no doubt have received the invitation to Victor and Michael's housewarming party. Now, normally if we want to go to a party, we have Victor or Michael to look after the bar while we do that. Or Helen, in a pinch. But in this case, that's not really possible, since, you know... they'll both be there with us.

I'd really like to go, and I KNOW Victor and Michael would love to see us there, so... let me know if you have any good ideas on how the heck we can work around this? I'd really rather avoid closing up the bar for a night if we can avoid it, especially on a Saturday night, but... I'm fresh out of ideas.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe, hope you're sleeping well. So, I called around a few of my mates like I said I would, and I've found a couple of people that I trust to watch the bar for us on Saturday. Their names are Josh and Hannah.

They're going to come around tomorrow so you can meet them and get a feel for them, because I KNOW you'll feel better about the whole idea if you get to suss them out in person before they're responsible for all our shit for a night.

And if you don't feel comfortable with them, then I'll try and find someone else, okay? So don't let your anxiety tell you that it's either be okay with these specific people or not going to the party at all. That's not the case. That's a false dichotomy. Or whatever. Did I use that phrase right?

ANYWAY. We've still got a couple of days to figure it out, so don't stress out too much. I mean, worst case scenario, I can try throwing around some luck magic and see if we can find a solution that way.

I love you, and we're going to have a great time at Victor and Michael's party. I promise.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Sleepy] Hey. Just wanted to leave you a [Yawn] bedtime voicemail.

Thank you for getting Josh and Hannah to come meet me today. You're right, I feel a lot better about the whole idea having actually met them.

I still... I still feel weird about it. It'll be the first time the people behind the bar aren't like... us, or our people, you know? But I guess... there was a first time for when Victor was alone with the bar, and a first time for Helen, too, so... yeah.

I don't know why I'm struggling so much with tiny changes lately. First the idea of Michael moving out freaked me out, and then I got upset in the supermarket the other day when they didn't have my usual muesli, and now the idea of having someone different look after the bar while we're gone is freaking me out.

I don't know why I'm like this. [Chuckle] Well, I mean, I know I'm an anxious mess. But I don't know why I'm being more of an anxious mess than usual lately.

[Yawns] I love you. Thank you for dealing with this anxious mess.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Kane. Babe. Honey. Sweetie.

Please tell me you're joking about not knowing why you're an extra anxious mess lately.

Like... c'mon now. Do I need to spell it out? You're still struggling with everything that happened. With the bigots, with the vandalism, with the hate crimes, and how it ended... it doesn't matter that you don't regret it, or that it's over, or any of that. It's still left an impression.

I mean, even you said that you feel sick when you try and use magic now, because it reminds you of what you did.

Horrible things happened to people we care about, and you did something that was really upsetting for you to do, and you're hurting over it. That's like... really, truly, very understandable.

Of course you're anxious. You're still dealing with everything that happened.

We all are. Just because it's over, doesn't mean it's over, you know? There's still a lot of dust that hasn't settled yet. I don't think this kind of thing ever just... heals over immediately. It kind of scabs up first, you know? And then, if we're lucky, the scar will be small, and not really noticeable. But... when the wound is as big as this one? Scarring might be inevitable.

I mean... I know even I'm... different, now. I'm jumpier. Angrier. Not like... not like angry-angry. Just like... I don't know. Like I'm simmering. Like it takes less, now, to set me off. Like I'm more willing to get angry, more willing to jump to conclusions. If I get even a hint of anything that feels threatening now, it's like... I feel like a bloody frill neck lizard. Just... puff myself up and start running straight at people.

I don't, obviously. Mostly because... there haven't been any threats, not real ones. But I still feel it. Every time I hear Ricardo have a nightmare, my chest gets tight and my skin gets hot and it's like... my body is getting ready to fight.

Wait, is this what anxiety feels like? Because like... if so, this is bullshit, and I don't know how you manage to be so well put together with this as a big part of your life. Holy shit. You're even stronger than I thought you were. You're some kind of goddamn superman.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Amused] Yeah, honey. That's... that's one of the ways anxiety can feel.

And... yeah. It's bullshit.

[Sigh] You're right. We're all healing. Or... trying to, anyway. Doing the best that we can. Putting the ointment on the scar, I guess.

What does healing even look like after something like this? I don't think I even know. Will we ever get back to the way we were beforehand, or... do we need to just get used to being something new?

I don't know. I guess we have to just... try and figure it out, ourselves.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

MICHAEL: Hi, Kane, Jason... it's Michael.

I was chatting with Victor about when he moved out of the bar, and he said he left you both some long rambling voice messages, and well... I know you both love your voicemails very much so... I thought I'd follow the tradition. I... felt a little bit too strange about leaving separate ones for each of you, so... that's why I'm just leaving this at the bar's phone.

So here, I am. Fully unpack, in my new home. Somewhere a bit quieter, but still with a friend I love, and room to paint. There aren't as many magpies here as there were at the Best of Luck, but on the bright side, I think we have a pair of rainbow lorikeets nesting in a tree outside of building.

I wanted to say thank you. For letting me stay with you, obviously, but... for more than that. Thank you for encouraging me to keep painting. Thank you for your delicious breakfasts and evening card games. Thank you for the bandages, both on my body and in my heart.

You are both very dear to me, and while I could've done without the circumstances that brought me to you... nonetheless, I'm glad to call you my friends.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Michael is voiced by Oscar Sabogal. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to the Big Gay Fiction Podcast for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

Episode 52 - We Just Live, After

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. I hope you're sleeping well.

Things are good downstairs today. There's a family here with this tiny happy baby, and it keeps making noises at everyone it sees. It's sooooo cute. I'm pretty close to offering its parents some free coffee just to get them to stick around a little longer? There's something about happy babies that just... really makes a room feel lighter, you know?

Anyway, I love you. See you when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, I keep forgetting to bring this up when we're both awake - can we get new laundry hampers? The ones we're using take up heaps of space and it's starting to get annoying. Ikea trip to Monday sound good?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Also, I love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: We can definitely get new laundry hampers. While we're there I might pick up some other stuff too. I've put it into our calendar so we can't forget. I love you!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. Quiet night tonight. Haven't had a customer in for a couple of hours, and there's still another one to go before closing time.

Everyone's asleep except for me, which is... nice, actually. Haven't had much alone time lately. Which isn't like... a PROBLEM, or anything. You know me, I love being around people. I basically feed off social energy.

But it's still nice to take a break every now and then.

I've been thinking about our magic. I know we haven't used it a lot since... well, you know. Just soothing, really, nothing else. And I mean, that's fine... it's not like we HAVE to use it or anything.

But... I think we're both a little bit... I don't know. Burnt out? Like... after everything that happened, it's kind of nice to not think about it for a while.

But... I don't know. I don't think it's a good idea to fall into that way of thinking too long, you know? We've got this... power. We can use it to do good, to do better. Which is what we did before, and it's... it's what you wanted to do, and... it's what I want to do, too.

I don't think we should let it go, or... give it up. It's not like there's not still a lot of suffering and struggling out there, you know?

This isn't a movie. We didn't beat the bad guys at the end and live happily ever after. We just... live, after. And there's still a lot left to live through, and... we can make it better. Not just for us, but... for the people around us. For our community.

Anyway. Just something to think about. Love you. See you tomorrow.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [Resigned] Hey. I know. I agree, even. I know we should pick it back up, we should... keep exploring it, try to get better at it, that sort of thing.

It's just... I don't know. Every time I brush up against it, I start feeling nauseous and panicky. I remember what I did, I remember how I felt, and I just... [Upset] I don't want to do that again. I don't want to have to feel that again.

[Deep Breath]

But, you're right. We should keep using it. We should learn more about it. And I mean... I'm not going to get over these horrific feelings if I just avoid it forever, am I? I need some of that... exposure therapy, or whatever.

[Sigh] The biggest problem with this plan is the same one that we started with ages ago. We don't know what the fuck we're doing and we don't have anyone to teach us.

[FX: Door Opens]

Ah, someone just came in. We'll talk about this later. Love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. Bedtime voicemail. I... should really be sleeping right now, but... I'm restless.

I've been putting some thought into the whole "we don't know what the hell we're doing" problem. I did some more googling but... once again, can't find anything like what we can do. I found some books that might contain SOMETHING useful, so I ordered a couple. Hopefully they can shed some light, or at least... point us in a direction? I don't know.

In case they don't... I think maybe we should consider... telling someone. About what we can do. Maybe see if we can find someone who knows how it all works. I mean... for all we know, there's like... some kind of cool queer witch coven that we just haven't figured out how to contact yet, you know?

[Quietly] Damn. I hope there's a cool queer witch coven. That'd be awesome.

Anyway... I just feel like we're starting to approach the limit of what we can figure out on our own, you know? Maybe we should think about being a bit more open about it. At least with SOMEONE. I mean... we can't be the only people in the world who can do this stuff, right? That's just... incredibly unlikely.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey. So... I know we talked about this earlier, but... in light of that last voicemail you left me, I just wanted to remind you of some stuff when you wake up tomorrow.

First of all, exposure therapy only works if you feel safe. If you're still feeling wobbly about magic, then... we gotta take it really, really slow, okay? I don't want you to try and push past your comfort level just because you think you have to, okay? We've got time. We can take this as slowly as we want. We can just keep using what we already know for now, rather than trying to branch out, if that's easier.

I mean... having said that, if learning and experimenting is what makes you feel more able to handle it then... I guess we'll do that.

Basically what I'm saying is that you can set the pace on this, okay?

And... yeah. That means that if you think we should tell someone? We'll tell someone. Because, you're right. We can't be the only people who can do this stuff.

Also, fuck me. I hope there's a cool queer witch coven. I will fucking cover myself in blood and glitter, and roll around on an altar or whatever just to get in on that.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [Exuberant] Kane!! It's Victor! I got the apartment! Michael and I can move in next week!

Oh, thank you so much for helping me with the application. I'm pretty sure you're the main reason that we got it.

Oh man. I'm so excited! I'm going to live so close to you guys, in a nice little cozy flat with no goddamn lawn to mow... it's going to be so good!

I gotta go, I gotta go sign the lease. I'll see you at work later, okay? Thank you so much!

[Hangup]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Patti Glad for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

Episode 51 - Ricardo's Fear

ROSLYN: This episode of Love and Luck contains content including surviving homophobic violence and the experience of post traumatic stress disorder. Please, take care of yourself.

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey honey. For what it's worth, I think maybe you should talk to Ricardo about your weird anxiety over Michael leaving. If he's worrying about not being welcome here, hearing that you feel sad about the idea of any of our boarders leaving might help a bit in a way that emotional soothing and factual statements can't, you know?

And he is, by the way. Still worrying. We had another chat before he went to bed. So... yeah. I did actually already mention that you were feeling sad about Michael leaving, and I was glad Ricardo would still be around, and he seemed kind of cheered up by that. So yeah. You should talk to him about it too. It might help both of you.

God, I'm tired. Looking forward to crawling into bed with you. G'nite.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Unsure] Hi, Jason. It's Ricardo. I... you said I could call you and leave you a message if I needed to talk but no one was around, so... I'm taking you up on that.

It's five in the morning, and the only people up are me and the magpies. And while I've definitely poured my heart out to them before at various points in the last few weeks, I'm never sure if they understand me or not. So... I figured I'd give this a try instead.

I... feel kind of stupid talking into a voicemail, to be honest. But... I know you and Kane do it all the time, so... clearly it's something that can be learned. So I'm willing to give it a try. Especially considering I just...

[Depressed] I don't know, Jason. I feel like I'm made out of wet sand. Like any accidental push or gentle wave would completely disintegrate me. I feel weak.

I don't mean in that in a self loathing way. I mean it literally. I feel like I'll fall to pieces at even the slightest provocation. I've felt this way ever since it happened.

I mean.. you remember how I was in hospital. I couldn't handle the idea of you leaving, because then I'd be completely alone, and I just couldn't deal with that.

[Apologetic] I'm... I'm sorry about that, by the way. I know you stuck around for me, and it couldn't have been easy on you. I just realized that I don't think I've ever explicitly thanked you for that.

[Sincerely] So... thank you. Thank you for being there with me when I had no one else, not even myself.

How long do voicemails last? I'm going to hang up and call back again so this doesn't cut out, okay?

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Calmly] Me again. Hi.

So... yeah. Thank you for being there for me in hospital. And for being there for me when I got out of hospital. I know I kind of...

[Downhearted] [Sigh] I know I cling to you. I... I'm sorry. I just... I don't know. You were there, and you were kind, and I could tell you cared about me, and... I don't know, Jason. I don't know.

I'm not used to people caring about me. Not like that. Not like this. I'm used to being alone, and struggling through it, but then you were there and I wasn't alone. And I haven't been alone since. And now that I know what that feels like, I just... I don't want to go back to being alone.

I feel safe here. I feel protected here. That's why I'm so scared of overstaying my welcome. I don't... I can't handle the idea that things might go bad and you wouldn't see me again, or that I wouldn't be welcome back here.

[Distressed] I feel so afraid, Jason. All the time! I'm never not afraid anymore! I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of being back in hospital, I'm afraid it will happen again!

Every time I step outside, I remember lying on the doorstep. I remember being dragged there, I remember angry men shouting at me. I remember how much it hurt when they started beating me, and I was begging them to stop until I couldn't speak any more. I remember how loud the ambulance siren was, and how bright the hospital lights were. Doctors shouting at me and nurses manhandling me, and needles and tubes sunk into my body.

I remember you holding my hand.

[Tearful] I remember when you first slept on the floor and I couldn't see you, so I didn't know where you were, and I woke you up because I was crying and looking for you. And then you were there again, still there, telling me I'd be all right and that you weren't going anywhere.

[Crying] I could have died. I nearly died! I didn't want to die alone. I don't want to die alone!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

RICARDO: [Calm...ish] Hey, uh... sorry. Sorry for that last message.

I just... I don't think I've... really let myself think too hard about it all since it happened. Not really. I've been focusing so hard on getting through it and healing physically and trying to run away from it and move on that... I never took the time to just sit with it. To just... sit with what happened.

I think... I think I finally started to really think about it today, when I was talking with Helen and Michael. We all went through it. We all knew what it was like.

It was... good, in a weird kind of way. To feel the hurt together. It made me feel less alone. I think it made us all feel less alone.

I'm sorry. I'm okay. Don't freak out when you get that last message. I'm... fine. Or... something like fine. I think I will be fine. Eventually.

[Relieved] I'm glad I decided to give this voicemail thing a try. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for being here.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, Ricardo. I'll talk to you when you get up, but, until then, I just wanted to say... I'm really glad that talking it out helped, and that you're feeling a bit better now.

But mostly I just... [EMOTIONAL] I'm really glad you're here, Ricardo.

I really love you, actually? You're like family to me now, and... I hate what brought you here, but... I'm really glad you made it through and that you're here with us.

You're not alone anymore, Ricardo. We're here. I'm here. I'm always here. Even if I'm not physically here, I'm... I'm always here on the other end of the line.

Thank you for trusting me. And... thank you for being here, too.

[Hangup]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Ricardo is voiced by Justin Jones Li. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Michelle Nickolaisen for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

Episode 50 - Housing and Healing

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

VICTOR: [serious] Hey, Kane. So... my sharehouse is breaking up, which sucks, but it's fine. I'm calling because there's a really nice little apartment not far from the Best of Luck Bar that I'm really keen for, and... well, I was wondering if you guys would be willing to give me a hand with the application? I don't really know what I'm doing, and... I could really use some help. Yeah. Uh, Let me know.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey babe. It's just past three, I've closed up for the night, and I've just sent Ricardo back to bed. He was really upset. Apparently he hasn't been sleeping very well. He keeps having nightmares, and when he's awake he's always on edge, and... well, he was worried that he was wearing out his welcome with us.

I told him that's ridiculous. I reminded him that I told him when he came here that he could stay as long as he needed and I stand by that. I'm just... I'm not sure he believes me. And I don't know how to make him believe me.

[Sighs] When you see him tomorrow, could you reassure him that he's still welcome here? Maybe if we just... tell him enough times, maybe it will sink in. I don't know.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [serious] Hey. I talked to Ricardo this morning, and yeah, I reassured him that he's welcome here, and that he can stay as long as needed. But... yeah, I don't know if he believed me.

Even if he doesn't, though, I think we should keep reminding him every so often. Just so he has some evidence to fight the brain weasels with, you know?

[Sighs] I love you. I hope... I hope he can start to feel a bit safer here. I don't know.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, just a quick one from me tonight. It's been a busy night. Lots of folks in and out.

We sold like... five of Michael's paintings tonight, though, which is awesome. Bunch of art enthusiasts dropped in on their way to something else. [chuckles] I don't think they even knew that we're a queer bar, actually. I mean, it clearly didn't bother them, but... I don't know, they kind of stood out, you know?

[yawn] Ugh. Okay, that'll do me, I'm knackered. I'm gonna come cuddle up to you now. Hopefully I won't wake you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey.

[Sighs] It's... hard down here today. Ricardo and Michael and Helen are all huddled together, talking about what happened to them last month. We don't have too many customers right now, so I'm trying to encourage said customers to sit further away from our boarders, so they have a bit of privacy I guess.

I'm trying not to interfere, either. I think they need each other right now, people who went through the same thing. Not well meaning papa bears hovering around them.

[distressed] I can't... I don't know, Jason. Even though I was here for everything that happened, even though I saw it, I saw them, I looked after them... in some ways I just can't grasp it, you know? I don't... I can't know how it was for them. What it was like to be attacked like that, what it was like to be afraid like that... I had the tiniest glimpse of it when that brick hit you, and that nearly crushed me.

I just wish... I wish it had never happened.

[Sighs] I should go. Victor's probably going to be here soon. I'm going to help him out with his rental application. I love you.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey, so, housing update. While Victor and I were filling out his application for this apartment, Michael was chatting with Victor about it. And, well... whether it's this flat or another one, it looks like Michael's going to leave us to move in with Victor.

It's good. It is. Michael wants to live somewhere quieter, and he wants to open up his room here in case we need to take anyone else in who needs it. So... it's good.

I just... I have mixed feelings. I love having Michael here. I love talking with him and seeing him paint and having him be a part of the bar, you know?

I feel like... empty nested, or something. Eileen headed home and now Michael's looking to move out, and... I don't know. I'm probably being silly. Helen's still here, Ricardo's still here, Tom and Brandon are still here. It's not like everyone is leaving all at once.

And anyway... even Victor, and Sarah and Mira, they all come back and hang out with us, so even when people have moved out, it's not like we never see them again.

And I mean, shit. People end up with us because they don't have anywhere else. So if they do have somewhere else, that's a good thing. That's a fucking good thing. I should stop being selfish about it.

[Firmly] Yeah. I'm probably just being silly and selfish. [Sighs] Ignore me. I'm clearly having a weird anxiety reaction. I love you. I'll see you when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Aw, Papa Bear. It's okay to have mixed feelings about people you love moving out of home. You can be happy for them and sad they're going, that's okay. It's not like... You know, one doesn't cancel out the other one, okay?

I love you. Maybe you can bake a cake and we'll have a little moving out party for Michael before he goes. Something to help smooth the transition, you know?

I love you. I love you and your big, big heart so much.

[Hangup]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Victor is voiced by DL Turnbull. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Eileen Haggerty for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.

Episode 49 - Pat's Birthday Cake

[Dial tone]

[Pickup]

ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.

[Music]

[Beep]

[Pickup]

[Beep]

EILEEN: [cheerful] Hey guys, it's Eileen. I'm safe and sound back home, and I just wanted to say thank you again for letting me crash with you for a while.

I miss you all a little bit already, but I have to admit, it's nice to sleep in my own bed again.

I'll be back again to see you soon, probably next week. I'm looking forward to learning more about tea from Helen.

[Sincerely] And... thanks, guys. While I wish it was under better circumstances, I'm really glad I met you all.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey Kane. I hope you're sleeping soundly.

I've been popping upstairs to check on you every hour or so, and... you SEEM to be okay, but...

I'm worried about you. I feel like your panic attacks have increased in frequency since... well. You know. Magically forcing a lot of fear and anger into a bunch of bigoted people's brains.

Which... I wish you didn't have to carry that. I know it weighs on you.

Sometimes I see you stop focusing and just... zone out for a bit, and... then when you come back you frown and take a deep breath and it's pretty clear you're wrestling with something... Painful.

I wish I could go back in time and take that bullet for you. I wish I could do more than just soothe you.

I love you, my sweet boyfriend. My gentle and kind boyfriend. I'll do whatever you need me to do to help you carry this weight, okay? Anything you need. If I can do it I will.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Hey honey. Things are good downstairs this morning. Everyone is cheerful and it's a really nice day outside.

I did end up sleeping pretty well actually. No waking up in a panic, which was nice.

Speaking of which... Jason? Soothing me is no small thing.

I don't think I'd be handling this well-- or, you know, AT ALL-- if you weren't here to soothe me.

Because... you're right. Sometimes I fall into this hole inside me, where I start wondering if it was really acceptable to do what I did. Wondering what those people are doing now, and if they've been permanently hurt by it?

99% of the time? I still don't regret it. It was self defense. I was protecting you, and me, and all of our people.

But that last 1%? That's... hard. That last 1% is when I start questioning if self defense is ever really an acceptable reason. And that's... I don't know, Jason. During that 1% of the time, I don't know.

So... yeah. Soothing me is no small thing. I'm honestly not sure that I'd be able to function without your support right now. Or, even if I could, I'd probably be a huge mess.

Which... I guess I am still a bit of a mess right now, but... trust me, nothing compared to what I'd be without you.

I love you. Thank you for looking after me.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: Hey, can you wake me up early tomorrow? I need to go shopping for something for Pat's birthday. I have no fucking idea what to get them, so, like, please feel free to make suggestions when you rip the blankets off me.

Well... maybe don't make the suggestions RIGHT at that moment. Maybe give me a few minutes to be a person again first, rather than just a manifestation of sleep.

So, yeah: blankets, return to human form, then gift suggestions.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [brightly] Good morning! I'm very much looking forward to getting to rudely awaken you! By your own request, even! Such a rare pleasure!

It is such a wonderful opportunity, I'm actually going to give you the gift of getting to relive it later! That's right! I'm going to do it right now, while I'm on the phone!

[Door opens]

Into the room we go... aww, look at you! You're so cute! A cute, sleep angel! [louder] Time to wake up, sleepy angel! Wakey wakey! You have birthday shopping to do!

JASON: [groans]

KANE: C'mon handsome! Time to get up and at 'em! Upsey daisy!

JASON: [grumbles louder]

KANE: No time for grumbling! C'mon! Let me help you with that blanket...

JASON: [whines loudly]

KANE: [laughs] C'mon sleep monster. Time to return to human form. You've gotta go shopping. Are you ready for suggestions yet?

JASON: [groans sleepily]

KANE: Well, you better get ready! C'mon! Get lively! Get excited!!

JASON: [grumpy and sleepy] Why are you like this?

KANE: Because you asked me to be! Also because I love you! Also because Pat deserves a nice birthday present! Are you ready for those suggestions yet?

JASON: [whiny grumble]

KANE: [laughs] I'm going to take that as a yes.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

[SFX: SHOPPING CENTRE AMBIENCE]

JASON: Oh my god, why did I think Chadstone was a good idea, Kane? I've been here for an hour and I want to DIE.

Ugh. Anyway. I was actually calling to ask you something before I forget. Can you write down a cake recipe for me? I know you offered to make Pat's birthday cake yourself, and I appreciate that, but I also kind of want to try and do it myself.

Mostly to prove I can, because Pat sent me a VERY snarky text about my cooking skills, and I need to defend my honour and prove them wrong.

I mean, I definitely have garbage cooking skills, but I figure if YOU write me the instructions, then maybe I can successfully make something edible. And it's not cheating, because it's just using a recipe!

Wait, that IS not cheating, right? No, of course it's not cheating, that'd be ridiculous. It'd only be cheating if you helped me do the actual baking.

ANYWAY. Please write me a cake recipe. Maybe that carrot cake you made last month? Pat really liked that one.

Ugh, okay, I should get back to shopping. Why did I do this to myself? Next year, remind me to just shop online a month beforehand like a normal person!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: [amused] Cake recipe written down and waiting for you on the fridge in the kitchen for whenever you get to it.

I have to say, I'm pretty excited to find out what a Jason-made cake is like, considering I don't think you've made a cake in like... the entire time I've known you.

I hope Chadstone isn't wearing you down too much. See you when you get home.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: [sighs] Well, it's nearly five in the morning, but the cake is done!! I did everything JUST like your recipe said, and it LOOKS great, so I'm pretty sure it's going to taste great too. So Pat can suck it!

Love you! See you in a few hours!!

[Hangup]

[Beep]

KANE: Morning honey, just wanted to say congratulations on your cake, it does indeed look great. I'm sure Pat will love it.

All's good downstairs this morning. I'll see you when you get up.

[Hangup]

[Beep]

JASON: LISTEN. I love you, but I have to speak in my defence!

I JUST checked our pantry, and YOU stored the salt and the sugar in the EXACT SAME TYPE OF CONTAINER, and the labels are SO WORN DOWN that I didn't even SEE THEM.

So I am NOT fully to blame for what happened to that cake. YOU SHARE EQUAL BLAME IN THIS. The dry retching of many birthday party guests rests on BOTH our shoulders!!!

[Hangup]

[Music]

ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions.

Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Eileen is voiced by Abigail Michell. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon and Eris Barnes.

Thank you to Tina Dearing for supporting this episode.

If you're enjoying Love and Luck, consider backing us on Patreon. We do our best not only to make a high quality show for you, but to pay everyone involved in its creation. Your monthly donation will be directly supporting queer art by queer people. Pledge now at patreon.com/passervulpes - that's patreon.com/ P A S S E R V U L P E S.

For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, on twitter as @LoveLuckPodcast, and on tumblr and instagram as loveandluckpodcast, all one word.