Episode 21 - A Quiet Moment
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ROSLYN: You've reached the Love and Luck Podcast.
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KANE: Hey honey. So... I know that middle of the night voicemails are usually your thing, but... well, I woke up in a panic again. And I know that I could have woken you up for comfort but... I don't know. Sometimes you just need to sit with your discomfort alone, you know? I just... I needed to spend a little while being a mess. I've calmed down now, though. Still anxious, but not panicked.
I'm just... I'm really scared that we're going to fail at this. At the bar. At trying to help people. I'm... I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to make any real difference. I don't even know what I'm doing, sometimes. I mean... I research stuff, and I triple check everything, but... you're the one that seems to know how to make things happen. I just... I don't know. I tag along and I try to be helpful. Is that enough? I don't know.
I'm also scared about all this magic stuff. Like I mean... it's exciting sometimes, sure. And the times when we're like... fully connected to each other empathically or whatever is literally some of the best moments of my life. But... we don't really know what we're doing, we're just trying things out and hoping they work and trying to just... figure out our ethics and limits as we go. And that's fucking terrifying.
I wish we had some guidance, you know? I wish... I wish Mumma was still alive. If she really was a witch, she'd be able to help us. And even if she wasn't... she was such a good person and she was always so comforting and supportive of me. I really just... I felt so loved by her. She would know what to say, where to look, something, even if she didn't have the answers herself.
I just... I really... I really miss her.
[Sighs] Anyway... I have more to say but I've already talked a lot, so I'll leave you a second voicemail after this one, okay? I'm going to make myself a cup of tea, first.
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KANE: I don't know why I made chamomile tea, I actually hate it. I think I must subconsciously believe the whole ‘it makes people sleepy and calms them down' thing. I have no idea if it actually does. But... well, placebos are still helpful, even if they don't work mechanically or chemically or whatever.
Although, I still wish this particular placebo tasted better.
You know, you were right about the view from our living room being lovely at night. It's really peaceful. I don't see this hour very often, and I forgot about how... liminal it can be. I really get why it's called the witching hour. Everything feels... frozen and possible, all at the same time. Maybe that's why it's simultaneously easier to freak out and calm down in the middle of the night.
You know... talking things out in voicemails really does help. I know it's kind of one sided, but I think that's why it's easier to talk about things that make me feel scared or vulnerable. I get to say everything I want to say and I don't even have to be present for the receiving of it. And maybe that sounds cowardly but... well, I guess it is a little cowardly. But... you said you were okay with it, so... [sighs]
Not that you've ever been anything less than perfect about my feelings, mind you. I feel safer with you than I have ever felt in any other place or with any other person. But... sadly, anxiety doesn't really play by the rules of logic. Even though I know you're safe, even though I know you're kind to me, sometimes my brain just... freaks out anyway.
I'm... I'm really sorry about that. I really hope you understand that I trust you completely, and that I do feel safe with you. It's just that my brain's a jerk sometimes.
[Sighs] I should go back to bed. I love you, Jason. I love you so, so much.
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JASON: Hey babe. If you were up so late last night I kind of wish you'd chucked a sickie today and stayed home and slept, but I know you worry about money. We'll just try to make sure you get an early night tonight.
I do kind of wish you'd woken me when you were panicking, but I get why you didn't, and that's totally fine. However you need to look after yourself is always going to be fine. I'm still going to remind you that you can wake me, though. You can always wake me, call me, email me, whatever you need to do. I'm always here for you, in whatever way you need me to be.
It's okay to be scared about all this, I think. It's probably healthy, actually. I think if there wasn't any fear at all, we'd probably be missing something, you know? It's not like I'm not scared, either; I'm terrified. I've never wanted something this much or tried this hard before, and the idea that we might fail is utterly horrifying.
But you know... then I think about you, and I feel better. And I figure, you know what? Even if we fail, whatever. At least we tried, and at least we still have each other.
I love you too. More than I've ever loved anything or anyone before.
And... I wish your Mum was here, too. I would have loved to have met her. But... if there's anything after death, then whatever or wherever she is... I know that she would be happy. Because her son is such a wonderful, kind hearted person.
She would be so proud of you.
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ROSLYN: Love and Luck is written by Erin Kyan, and produced by Passer Vulpes Productions. Kane is voiced by Lee Davis-Thalbourne. Jason is voiced by Erin Kyan. Credits spoken by Roslyn Quin. Recorded by Kermie Breydon.
For more information about Love and Luck, check out our website, loveandluckpodcast.com. You can also find us on facebook as Love and Luck Podcast, and follow us on twitter, at @LoveLuckPodcast.